Work quietened down over this weekend and I’ve had some time to myself for those long walks. While I have been on the walk, I remembered the HALT rule when making a big decision or even just a thought which may bring you back to old habits like smoking.
HALT before you make that decision and it boils down to analyzing some drivers of common emotions. The rule is to address those emotions first before acting out on any big decision. Since I have been rather lost lately, I have decided to find my balance and centre again by analyzing what i really feel towards events which occurred rather than ignoring them and sweeping them under the carpet.
From that first breakup, the last breakup, to recent attention from some people. Guarding my privacy and space has been so important that I’ve cut off many people in my life and even resulted in rash breakups. It is now time to think if this is still what I want.
Of the four HALT elements, I found myself feeling at least three of them. I am probably feeling slightly angry towards how I have been treated or what people see me as, lonely might be possible when I feel like I need someone and there’s no one I wish to be with. Tired is an understatement now with work taking up most of my awake time.
As I see it, I just need to address ‘Tired’ first and then access how I feel about being lonely. Being a Tibetan Buddhist also means understanding loneliness and that a practitioner is not lonely. Hence the number of years in retreat. I don’t usually admit to feeling lonely as I’ve always been comfortable with it. I am not sure why I feel this suddenly. It may be due to realising the many opportunities I have passed up. People I could have been with and made a life companion. Also partly angry about how I appear as nonchalant towards a relationship or companionship that most people simply see me as someone who could join them for some fun.
Sometimes, I feel that learning or practising Dharma can be confusing and lonely especially since I’ve cognitive dissonance about the concept of loneliness, balancing what I know from Dharma with a need for someone who could also be a companion.
I would need some more reflection on this issue so that I am absolutely clear about what I want.